This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
