He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Randomize
