i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
