I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
