South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
