i think i have two assholes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
