HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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