a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
