can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
