I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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