Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
