A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
