I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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