I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
