They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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