You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
