I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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