i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
