i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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