jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
