yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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