We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
