11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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