I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize