JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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