party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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