hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize