sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
