So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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