I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
