i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
