I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize