Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
