Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
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