she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
