I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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