I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
