3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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