That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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