I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
