wrigley field is MILF paradise
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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