My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
