1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
