I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
