Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize