Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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