I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
and you fell through a lawn chair
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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