I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
