I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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