I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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