i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
