I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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