My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's blow job season.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
