i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
