Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
