tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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