I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
