If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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