dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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