Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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