All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
