I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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