they need to just BURY HIM!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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