yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
