Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
