I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
