my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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