mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
