Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize